Grief

As we mentioned in our post about why we are adopting, we decided to adopt because we felt that God was calling us to build our family through adoption, not because of infertility issues.  Because of this, I ignored all the warnings about adoptive parents’ grief as they mourn the loss of the ability to have a biological child.  “Nope, doesn’t apply to me,” I thought.  “I chose this.  Heck, I don’t even WANT to be pregnant.  Whew – dodged that bullet!”

And then I got completely flattened by grief.

It hit suddenly and without any warning.  I was watching a video of my newest nephew kicking from inside his mamma’s belly, and I realized that I would never have the experience of being pregnant… of finding out and then waiting anxiously for Jason to get home so I could tell him… of having random cravings in the middle of the night… of looking up our baby’s week-by-week stats and finding out that he is now the size of a mango or a cantaloupe or whatever fruit analogies they use… of hearing the heartbeat for the first time… of feeling her kick… of maternity pants (since all you mamas say they are the best thing ever invented and you are never going back to regular pants)… of finding a creative way to tell the grandparents. 

The grief was sudden, and swift, and deep.  The sobs erupted from somewhere deep inside of me.  It hurt to breathe.  It hurt to move.  It hurt to cry, but I didn’t seem to have any control over that.  A box of tissues later, I fell asleep, hoping for a brighter morning…

***

Several months later, as I reflect on this time of grieving, I’m surprised to find myself grateful for it.  I’m grateful for having that moment of closure that I didn’t even know I needed.  I’m grateful because of the sympathy I now have with many families who are struggling with infertility.  I’m grateful for the conversation it sparked between Jason and me, and for the chance for us to work through these issues and come out with a renewed commitment to adoption.  As one of my favorite writers says, “In my observation of sorrowful things and wonderful things I see that they’re all tangled up together, maybe even holding hands.”  (www.calliefeyen.com/?p=252) I love beauty of the picture that paints – don’t you?   

Parallels

Why do we care about adopting?  It is because WE are the “unadoptable ones.”  God, out of his goodness and love for us, brought us near to Himself and adopted us as his children.  “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

This video is an excellent look at several different aspects of adoption.  We would encourage you to watch the whole thing (leave yourself about 35 minutes), but if you only have a few minutes to spare, start from 23:04 and watch the last ten minutes.  That last portion articulates the parallels between adopting a child and God’s adoption of us better that anything we’ve come across yet. 

Fun fact:  The guy on stage is Jeannine’s best-friend-from-childhood’s big brother.  Very cool to grow up and have him impact us through his story all these years later!)