As we mentioned in our post
about why we are adopting, we decided to adopt because we felt that God
was calling us to build our family through adoption, not because of infertility
issues. Because of this, I ignored all
the warnings about adoptive parents’ grief as they mourn the loss of the
ability to have a biological child.
“Nope, doesn’t apply to me,” I thought.
“I chose this. Heck, I don’t even
WANT to be pregnant. Whew – dodged that
bullet!”
And then I got completely flattened by grief.
It hit suddenly and without any warning. I was watching a video of my newest nephew
kicking from inside his mamma’s belly, and I realized that I would never have
the experience of being pregnant… of finding out and then waiting anxiously for
Jason to get home so I could tell him… of having random cravings in the middle
of the night… of looking up our baby’s week-by-week stats and finding out that
he is now the size of a mango or a cantaloupe or whatever fruit analogies they
use… of hearing the heartbeat for the first time… of feeling her kick… of
maternity pants (since all you mamas say they are the best thing ever invented
and you are never going back to regular pants)… of finding a creative way to
tell the grandparents.
The grief was sudden, and swift, and deep. The sobs erupted from somewhere deep inside of me. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It hurt to cry, but I didn’t seem to have any control over that. A box of tissues later, I fell asleep, hoping for a brighter morning…
The grief was sudden, and swift, and deep. The sobs erupted from somewhere deep inside of me. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It hurt to cry, but I didn’t seem to have any control over that. A box of tissues later, I fell asleep, hoping for a brighter morning…
***
Several months later, as I reflect on this time of grieving, I’m
surprised to find myself grateful for it.
I’m grateful for having that moment of closure that I didn’t even know I
needed. I’m grateful because of the
sympathy I now have with many families who are struggling with
infertility. I’m grateful for the
conversation it sparked between Jason and me, and for the chance for us to work
through these issues and come out with a renewed commitment to adoption. As one of my favorite writers says, “In my observation of sorrowful things and
wonderful things I see that they’re all tangled up together, maybe even holding
hands.” (www.calliefeyen.com/?p=252) I love
beauty of the picture that paints – don’t you?
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